What if's

Even though I know I'm a girl who can't seem to tell you up front how or what she actually feels.
I try to show it... And I hope it reaches you...
It is not that I doubt you... It is not that I doubt my feeling for you...
I don't but with all we've been through a lot of things had started to pop in my head.

My heart started to race...
What am I to you?
Am I as important as I think I am to you?
Am I just some other girl in your heart...?
Maybe just second best to you?
Do you think of me as you say you do?
Because I have no doubt you're taking care of me.
I have no doubt that you do love me...
But I wonder how much...
I wonder am I really worth it for you?
Are you really sure that's it's me you want?
But why did you pick me?
Because of convenience?
Because you were testing me?
Because you wanted to help me?
What were you thinking???

What if one of those guys told on us?
What if one of the guys managed to get a hold of me? What then?
What if I didn't go to see you? Will we actually get far?
What if I didn't get close to you?
What if we didn't meet?
What if I was already someone else's?
What if you did??
What if I didn't take my course?
What if I didn't go to THAT school?

I don't want to imagine them... A life without you... I can't see it...
It would be a nightmare... But I really want to know... Hear you say this...
You're voice explaining to me everything... The expression on your face as you explained... And finally hear you call my name in a sincere voice and tell me, 'I love you.'

A Heart Filled Confession

Somehow I feel lonely when I'm away from you...
It's kinda weird, I know.
Even though it's just been a few hours or maybe a day or two...
I feel as though it have been far longer than that...
I felt lonelier than before...
Reading our conversations again and again...
Somehow I knew I could trust you with the heart I've always protected so much...
I still believe in you that you're my "kind and gentle hero" ( 惠 杰 )...
So I hope even if it isn't right now that you'll be able to be happy...
I just wish soon you'll be able to smile again like you used to.
Though I'm not sure if my feelings are reaching you...
I'm happy that I've got you and sometimes I wonder if you like having me too...


なくもんか－いきものがかり or Nakumonka by Ikimono Gakari

Translation

“Hmm, I guess every single one of us is walking alone”
There’s no reason for us to reveal the loneliness we bear
As many more people walk further away

I became good at just putting on affable smiles as an adult
But it’s not what I imagined before
It’s supposed to be a stronger, gentler warmth

Someone’s reaching out to me, am I brave enough to grab their hand?
That small petty distance is always testing my meager heart

There’s a smile for every teardrop, yeah, I should realize that
But I always pretend when I’m with you, I can’t be honest with myself
Whether it’s sad or joyous, yeah, I want to be connected to you
That’s how we gather our hearts together, one by one

Failures, betrayals, bad news, I mix them all together and shield my heart
I pretended not to see, yeah, that’s how I was able to go on living
But I still don’t want to run away

The torrential rain is drowning out someone’s voice again
There you were, lost and embracing the same loneliness as me

I don’t know the right “answer” but I’m not giving up
Because you’re here and I’m here, our hearts need each other

“To understand each other we must forgive each other”
Even “confusion” and “fear” are a “part” of us
Let’s remember each and every single teardrop
Hey, I can laugh with you again

There’s a teardrop for every smile, yeah, I know that
But I’ll tell you even if my voice grows hoarse because I want you to know
If you cry for me, if you laugh for me, yeah, I know I’ll grow stronger
That’s how we connect our hearts together, one by one

So here I am again... Worried...

Recently, I've been a lot worried about the people around me... The group I have started to hang out with... The group who I've grown too fond of to actually want it to break apart that I started thinking... Maybe it's not so good that I came after all since when I came along in their group... All hell started to break loose... Thinking back... It's probably my fault since before the only thing that was different was me being with them... So what do I do? What am I supposed to do? I don't want to be ignorant... Been having dreams about everyone split up and fighting and I don't know what to do... Sometimes I'd find myself waking up crying early in the morning...

I guess it's part of growing up, but I always suck at good-byes, because I hate letting go... So every time I get the chance of having a bit of fun with them I grab it. There are so few memories that I have made with my friends. I don't really want to waste it... Live like tomorrow is the end, as they say. So sometimes in someways I wanted to just bend the rules a bit so that I can look back and remember the awesome times I have with my friends. There is so much to do and so little time... The world is pretty much a small world if we don't give it time and effort to extend them... If we keep on being caged up... Nothing will come up from it right? And that would be just plain boring.

Someday soon I hope for a bit of freedom... And when that time comes... I wonder if I can still catch up to my friends who are already have theirs... I wonder if I really could go and walk with them side by side by then... But for now I have to be content and work my butt off to even come close to them. So wish me luck! >__<

Things that have been on my Mind...

You said it... You wished that I had just remained as your imouto-chan...
Did you really mean it? ... Why?
Am I doing something wrong or said something that have offended you?
Am I a bad girlfriend then? Since you're shoving me away...
I don't like it at all...
I feel as if I sunk from someone special to you to someone you just notice because you have to...
Can't you tell me? I know you are thinking of a lot of things...
You tell me we're ok... But why can't you tell me?
What do you definite as ok...? And can't I be here for you like you are already there for me...?
I don't think it's fair for either of us... I've been meaning to talk to you about these things... But I know you're busy and when I do get the chance it would get stuck, not knowing whether it's a good time or not...
I want to share more time with you... Because whenever you're near me...
I feel safe... I'd feel like I'm loved and never alone...
Don't you love me anymore... Or do you like someone else now?
I don't even know what's going on in our relationship anymore...
I used to shrugged it off as something we had that was different from any other relationship but...
Right now, it's driving me insane... I've been having nightmares of things I really shouldn't... About us...
Do you still want to stay like I want to stay with you?
I know you've changed and drama isn't really your thing...
I want to be with you... I really want to be with you...
But from everything my head's getting into weird conclusions ever since that day you wanted to change back...
They say you changed even more now... Yes, you changed into an angrier you...
But I still see a bit the you I really love...
It might not be through your words, but I know you're still you...
But if I did anything at all... Will you please tell me what to do and what I did wrong?

It's us, right?

With all that has happened...
You say you changed...
And I don't disagree...
The guy I fell for and the guy I see...
Is somewhat different...
I was thinking it was a part of you that no else could see...
A part of you only I could see...
But since then little by little it started scaring me...
And I guess I was wrong since you don't want that part of you...

It's starting making me wonder... Is this really ok?
To be like this...
Is it really ok that you are with me?
Because I don't really know...
I'm not your type, am I right?
And you didn't seem to feel that way before...
You say you want to go back...
So does it mean we should go back as well?
To the days that we weren't together...?

I've liked you for a long time...
And bit by bit I started falling...
But I said no... I can't when
I knew too well you liked someone else...
When you didn't seem to see me that way...
How do I tell you I get lonely without you...
How do I tell you I want to be there by your side...
How do I show you how much you mean to me...
Where do I even begin?

Is it even too early for me to tell you
How much I care about you?
How much I want to be near you?
How much I want to spend time with you?
Or even talking to you...?

But right now you're avoiding me, huh?
After that talk, we had...
I know you need your time...
I know you need your space...
So will everything be fine now?
What will happen next?
What should I do...?

Our Song

DJMAX First Kiss - BJJ

The first time you told me this was our song...
I didn't really know what it the song meant...
I asked around and no one knew...
I even asked you but all you said was,
"it's about how it feels to have your first kiss..."
I searched for the translation but couldn't find one...
Until now... As I read the sub lyrics
and heard the song that was set as my ringtone...
I cried as if I couldn't stop the tears from coming out...
And it makes me cry whenever I see these lyrics and read them...
But I never seem to be able to put it down.


~English Lyrics of First Kiss - BJJ:~

I get nervous if you look at me like that
Give some time and turn towards me (turn around)
I started to laugh when I want to hide
Close your eyes, kiss me love and come closer to me...

I'm so nervous. I can't think straight.
I seem to push you away without noticing, I'm sorry.
My heart isn't mine anymore, what should I do?
Baby tell me now. Don't be sad.
Go back from the top.

I like you, I really love you.
It's true, I want to love you everyday.
I'm falling for you bit by bit.
Why am I so anxious?

It was too fast for me, but I pretend not to know
I wanted to be on your mind and kiss you (I wanted to)
But I couldn't trust you glare since you were my first love
But how could I refuse? You were so cute.

I wondered how first love woulc feel like.
I wanted to be rough, but gentle, be a girl like EV star
Somehow you had already pulled the trigger
How should I say this?
Go back from the top.

My heart is beating harder.
It's true, I want to love you everyday.
I'm falling for you bit by bit.
Why am I so anxious?

I like you, I really love you.
It's true, I want to love you everyday.
I'm falling for you bit by bit.
Why am I so anxious?

I wondered how first love woulc feel like.
I wanted to be rough, but gentle, be a girl like EV star
Somehow you had already pulled the trigger
How should I say this?
Go back from the top.

I like you, I really love you.
It's true, I want to love you everyday.
I'm falling for you bit by bit.
Why am I so anxious?

I like you, I really love you.
It's true, I want to love you everyday.
I'm falling for you bit by bit.
Why am I so anxious?


And you're right... Maybe, this song is a song for us...
The question is this also true for you as it is to me?
Where all the words hit the mark...
And I do really love you...

Thoughts while First Love by Utada Hikaru is playing...

I know I appear to be strong...
I appear to be independent...
I appear as if I can survive anything...
But I hope I won't have to sing this song...


~Utada Hikaru's First Love...~

To think the very next day you'll never think of me again...
To think that you'll be with someone else...
To be crying as I thought of you and singing this sad love song...
You'll always be in my heart and even when it hurts...
I don't want to forget you...
Because you're my first love and taught me how it is to love...
You are my first...
I know I won't forget you even if you go...

I maybe just another girl from the crowd...
I maybe just some girl you happen to meet...
We both don't know if we'll end up together for very long...
But I know I'd want to hold on to you...
I want to spend time with you...
I'd like to keep you and not give you to just anyone...
I want you to know that I love you and I care about you...
For now till for forever...

Things to do This Summer

-Lose Weight about 10-20 lbs.
(Need to be thinner before school starts again and because my big bro is getting married next May and I wanna look awesome in a formal dress and other things~ :P)
-Learn how to ride a bike
(Because I don't know how. X___X )
-OJT
(Required for school. LOL)
-Find a part time job
-Be immortal in terms of schooling
-Learn to speak Japanese
(Preparation for next term's Jap class. ^___^ )
*Note: to add more when needed. LOL XD*

Thinking for a While...

Because sometimes I can't say it right...

And sometimes I can't show it well...

(How I feel and how I want to keep you...)

But every time I have the chance I'd think of you and miss you...

I suddenly go blank and things start to go to my head--

About what if's and what would be's...

Even wondering if you're doing the same...

Or what maybe going on in your head...

Sometimes I get confused--

Sometimes I don't know what to do...

I don't really know what exactly you think of me...

And I'm sure I don't know if you'll stay till the end...

Though I maybe right here and you're over there...

I want to be by your side when you need me.

I want to be near you when you are sad--

And hold you tight when you're in despair.

I don't know how to show or tell you...

I'm serious when I said it...

I love you and I want you to be my first and last...

Cause I know you're the most awesome guy that I know...

I'm lucky to have you... :)